some more skits from the 99p challenge:

this one's about helpful poetry...

student house, then you can't hide
from mr. carbon monoxide.

if your chin is like no other,
ask your dad if he's also your brother.

if head from neck are separated,
smile, you've been decapitated.

if over a dinner you fancy a fight,
always remember the knife's on the right.

mayonnaise can kill,
so keep it in the fridge, aunt jill.

if your girlfriend's left you and you're feeling stranded,
do not fret, it's not the end, just try love single-handed.

a shifty stranger who can't stay long,
check his bag for a dirty bomb.

please remember, don't forget
never leave the bathroom wet.
nor leave the soap still in the water,
that's a thing we never order,
nor leave the towels about the floor,
nor keep the bath an hour or more,
remember this and it's happy days,
unless you die from mayonnaise.

things we believed as children that wasn't true...

one christmas eve, when i was eight years old, santa claus came into my bedroom and told me that my dad didn't exist.

my parish priest said that i would go to hell if i didn't make steam come out of his "magic train".

i used to believe that it was morally acceptable to allow the dog to lick germs off your knackers. and i've got to say, it's something my dog still believes in even today. and who am i to interfer with tradition that goes back...?

i overhead my mum telling my dad that her friend sally was frigid. and i thought that she had an icebox. which if you think about it, she did.

at one point, when i was really young, i actually believed that clowns were entertaining. (you idiot!)

i'd always believed that the mole on my great-grandmother's face was actually a volume control. and i tried to turn it down once, but it just came off in my hand.

i still got it.

and she did shut up.

celebrate the great english sickie by ringing up with excuses...

"hi sue, it's simon here. i can't come in today. the dog ate me."

"sue, yeah, hi, yeah, i didn't wake up this morning cuz simon's mum doesn't have an alarm clock. (simon: hahahahaha... what?) actually she does have one, but we broke it during sex. (simon: urrrrgh! nooooo!)"

sue (when someone started before the phone rang): "good lord, man. get out of my room and use the telephone."

"sorry sue, i can't make it in. i'm waiting for an electrician to come and he said he'll be here between 9:00am and the year 2008."

"hi sue, i'm going to be late. i just got roped into on an assisted suicide."