shrinkage

trying to find a therapist is a pain in the ass. not that i have much of a problem talking, but it's hard to get the person up to speed to what's going on with my life and since they (the therapist) aren't sure you're coming back, they don't really put too much effort into the first session.

so yes, i've finally decided to go see a therapist. inasmuch as i don't give a shit who knows, i'm blogging about it. most people know that i'm really open about things in my life. i don't feel the need to hide things to people. okay, that's not true. i certainly wouldn't be that opened to people at work or at school. they don't know me well enough not to judge.

i've been, as the song by st. etienne goes, in a bad way the last couple of weeks. nothing major (i hope), but there's definitely something that is bothering me. so much so that yesterday i decided to contact my health insurance to find out about seeking some mental health.

i think in a way i'm lucky. having worked with mental health researchers and being exposed to the notion that seeking mental health is not only okay but something people should do (even if you're fine), certainly make this step easier. i think it's best not to let shit fester, don't you think?

after going through all the bureaucratic crap, i went to the providers website and printed out a list of potential therapist. this morning, i rang a couple of them up and luckily got a woman who had an open slot at 3pm. i went.

i had in my mind, previous, that i wouldn't want to deal with a woman therapist. i would be too embarrassed to say anything that could be construed as negative. afterall, the point of going to therapy is to be truthful of what you want to talk about. there's certainly no point in going when you're trying to hide shit. you'll just be wasting your money.

but since she's available and i wanted to see how therapy actually is, i decided to fuck my preconception of who i wanted and went. on the phone, i thought she was some fat, old white woman. i couldn't be more wrong.

she turned out to be a thin, middle-aged, black woman. it would be a mistake to say that i wasn't taken aback with who came walking out to the reception area to meet me. but since i'm not really that big of a racist (haw, haw), it was fine. actually, it was pretty good. i felt pretty much at ease with her and after getting to her little office, i started talking about my life and why i think i was there.

i'm not going to go into what i told her or what she told me. as open a person as i am, there are somethings that are confidential. i wouldn't ask you to tell me about your darkest secret, would i? though, i didn't really talk about my darkest secrets with her since... shit, i don't know her from adam.

i'm not sure if i was surprised by the whole experience or not. it was pretty standard. what you see in movies and tv. the one thing i didn't like, and it's not really her fault, is that at the end of the session, she wasn't trying to motivate me to stick with her. i guess she didn't want to pressure me with continuing with her.

now, that being said, i do feel a bit rejected. but it's clear why she didn't do that. since i was testing her out and vice versa, she can't really tell me to continue seeing her. she just said, well if i wanted to see her again, i should give her a call.

i haven't yet decided if i want to do that. it's always good to talk to a professional about issues that arise during your life. it's nice.

oh, and then i went and finally got my new glasses today. they fit really nicely.

below are the lyrics to the st. etienne song (for those interested).

you're in a bad way (st. etienne)

toast is burnt
and your coffee's cold
and you leave all the post
cause it's nothing but bills again

home from work
put the TV on
get your kicks watching
bruce on the old generation game

chorus:
just dial my number
i've got some plans for you
you're in a bad way
and I can help you through

you're in a bad way
every day seems just the same
just dial my number
and call my name

jeans are old
and your hair's all wrong
don't you know that crew cuts and trainers are out again

going out
you're feeling low
running for cover
it looks like it's going to rain (what a shame)

chorus twice