ringleader of the tormentors
is anyone else as excited as i am about the new morrissey album that's coming out next month? he really has great names for his albums, doesn't he?
after coming back from hk, i'm been so unmotivated with any school related work. i can't even read. i feel so compel to quit and say fuck with school. at this point, i just want to get by and finish the damn thing up. i don't know why? maybe i'm just a bit depressed with my father's illness.
i think i'm more annoyed with the fact that i don't know how to feel. yes, yes... i'm sad, depressed, etc. but i'm so distant from everything. i want to be there to help out, but i don't want to be there, either. i'm happy in my little world here in the states. being back there just reminds me of things i hate. i feel so out of sorts there. yes, i'm cantonese (bno to be exact, you naysayers) and yes, i'm from hk. but it's not my place.
i think it's time to go see a therapist again. conflicting feelings, not knowing how to feel is a problem. laughing masks my pain, but then i don't know how else to deal with my pain. i feel guilty for being happy, for laughing, for feeling generally okay. i'm stressed about school, work, family, hk family.
the future is certainly an annoying thing. for someone who's dying, i can't believe he can still piss me off with the comments he makes. yes, i know he cares and he worries, but at this point, i have to deal with my own life, my own decisions, my own mistakes. worry about yourself, be concerned about your health. stop worrying about me.
it's tough not being able to be open with your parents. it's not as easy as i make it out to be. people don't understand, and i don't have the patience or strength to tell them so. "oh, why don't you tell them?" i much rather get shot in the foot, i much prefer the left one, then to deal with my parents shit.
maybe i'm naive. maybe i'm lucky. i've never experience death in my life. or something near the brink of death. i'm unaccustomed to dealing with it. surprisingly, none of my friends have experience it either. is divorce worse than death? maybe, maybe not. i don't know. oh, one has, i just remember. father passed away when she was a young girl. i wonder how she deals with it, even now.
generally, i'm not a depressed person. i love listening to morrissey though. i like to think that the worst pain i've ever felt was losing a girlfriend or something similar. i kinda like that pain cuz it makes you alive as a person. or the anguish of not having anyone to love or not having someone who loves you back. i really loved those moments, but granted, now that i have both, i'm happy.
but i feel that i'm not allowed to be happy. i should be sad, worried, depressed, concerned. my brain is all scrambled up. my feelings are all twisted. i'm scared. maybe that's it. i'm scared. for the first time in my life, i'm really scared. not scared like i was with watching the ring. but like scared. what the fuck happens when all this is over.
there's a difference between knowing that my parents are in hk and if need be, i can go visit them when i want. just jump on a plane, 15-18 hours later (depending on which airline i fly) and there they are, in the flesh. what fucking plane goes to heaven? or wherever you go when you leave this place.
i'm just babbling. i'm just not feeling right. anyone reading this shouldn't be too worried. i'm just hating this semester in school. just hating it.
after coming back from hk, i'm been so unmotivated with any school related work. i can't even read. i feel so compel to quit and say fuck with school. at this point, i just want to get by and finish the damn thing up. i don't know why? maybe i'm just a bit depressed with my father's illness.
i think i'm more annoyed with the fact that i don't know how to feel. yes, yes... i'm sad, depressed, etc. but i'm so distant from everything. i want to be there to help out, but i don't want to be there, either. i'm happy in my little world here in the states. being back there just reminds me of things i hate. i feel so out of sorts there. yes, i'm cantonese (bno to be exact, you naysayers) and yes, i'm from hk. but it's not my place.
i think it's time to go see a therapist again. conflicting feelings, not knowing how to feel is a problem. laughing masks my pain, but then i don't know how else to deal with my pain. i feel guilty for being happy, for laughing, for feeling generally okay. i'm stressed about school, work, family, hk family.
the future is certainly an annoying thing. for someone who's dying, i can't believe he can still piss me off with the comments he makes. yes, i know he cares and he worries, but at this point, i have to deal with my own life, my own decisions, my own mistakes. worry about yourself, be concerned about your health. stop worrying about me.
it's tough not being able to be open with your parents. it's not as easy as i make it out to be. people don't understand, and i don't have the patience or strength to tell them so. "oh, why don't you tell them?" i much rather get shot in the foot, i much prefer the left one, then to deal with my parents shit.
maybe i'm naive. maybe i'm lucky. i've never experience death in my life. or something near the brink of death. i'm unaccustomed to dealing with it. surprisingly, none of my friends have experience it either. is divorce worse than death? maybe, maybe not. i don't know. oh, one has, i just remember. father passed away when she was a young girl. i wonder how she deals with it, even now.
generally, i'm not a depressed person. i love listening to morrissey though. i like to think that the worst pain i've ever felt was losing a girlfriend or something similar. i kinda like that pain cuz it makes you alive as a person. or the anguish of not having anyone to love or not having someone who loves you back. i really loved those moments, but granted, now that i have both, i'm happy.
but i feel that i'm not allowed to be happy. i should be sad, worried, depressed, concerned. my brain is all scrambled up. my feelings are all twisted. i'm scared. maybe that's it. i'm scared. for the first time in my life, i'm really scared. not scared like i was with watching the ring. but like scared. what the fuck happens when all this is over.
there's a difference between knowing that my parents are in hk and if need be, i can go visit them when i want. just jump on a plane, 15-18 hours later (depending on which airline i fly) and there they are, in the flesh. what fucking plane goes to heaven? or wherever you go when you leave this place.
i'm just babbling. i'm just not feeling right. anyone reading this shouldn't be too worried. i'm just hating this semester in school. just hating it.
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