happy anniversary!!!

it's hard to believe, but deidra and i've been married for a year now. time flies and i'm glad to have spent the last year of my life with her. of course, she would probably say that i spent more time over at starbucks than with her.

i love you, babe!

beer is good

today has to be the worst day ever.

started out decent enough. woke up, checked my email. checked the news. watched a little more of 21 grams. my mum came home from church and she decided we should go out and shop around. fine. then we went over to a mall my sister suggested to meet her for lunch.

lunch was fine, though it was at pizza hut (i know, i traveled half way around the world to have fucking pizza hut). granted, the food is different, but still... but since my mother really wanted to go, who am i to argue.

as we were getting ready to leave, my sister brought up the point about how i wanted to go back to LA first and have my mother wait a couple of days before meeting me there. my sister, because of my nine-month-old nephew, decided not to go out to LA with us. my mother, for whatever reason, really wanted to go together with me back to LA.

i told my sister before, and i've also told my mother as well, that i much rather go back first because: 1) i have to take care of several things first and 2) i wanted to have a couple of days to relax and adjust. pretty simple and as i was pretty much adamant about it, it was not up for discussion really.

my mother kept insisting that she was worried that with all the stuff that i was carrying, i wouldn't handle my father's ashes the proper respect it deserved. so i told her, if she felt more comfortable about it, she can definitely take it herself and i'll meet her at the airport in a couple of days.

my mother is terrified of spiritual stuff. i guess it was part of her upbringing. so she's a bit afraid of taking my father's ashes back to LA by herself. so as i was trying to say that she can do it, my sister cut me off.

"are you done talking?"

"no, do i look like i'm done?"

so this exchange went on for about a minute, at which point, i was fuming. i'm not a little boy. i do not need you to tell me when i'm done talking or not. if it was a discussion, i would like to give my opinion and options (although, i knew that my option to have my mother take my father's ashes home wasn't really one) without being told to shut up.

so as usual, i exploded and slammed an empty bottle of diet pepsi down on the table and said something to her. i honestly can't remember what i said. i started walking away. as i did that, my sister yelled out, "you've got pressure, i've got pressure" a la the uncle on the bus (see last entry). i yelled back, "shut the fuck up. (in english)"

i left the mall and thought about calling deidra. but i knew she was in the middle of sleeping and i knew that if i called her, she would be half away and she doesn't function very well conversationally half awake. the only person i could call was martin, my friend from the bucks.

so we talked, and i'll admit it, my emotion got the best of me and i started to weep. it wasn't about my mum wanted to go back to LA with me. that's not the problem. it was the fact that my sister has so little respect for me that she didn't even let me finish what i wanted to say.

i remember at one point i told martin that it wasn't only her father died, but MINE as well. everyone knows that i have a very laid back personality. i try not to let little things get to me. and maybe when people see how i act, they take it as indifference or maybe apathy.

well, no, that's not true. i tend not to fight the small battles. i don't mind giving up a little of me for things that aren't important to me, though they may affect me. but when it's something important to me, i fight for it, and unfortunately, i don't really like to take 'no' for an answer. so, as much as i hate it, i get really emotional and then i explode.

it's a really bad habit. one that i'm not at all proud of. as martin says, i'm able to see different shades of colour. i'm not a black or white, straight-laced person. i give a little and i expect the same in return. just because i have no opinions of what my sister and mother want for the ceremony in hk, doesn't mean that i'm indifferent. it just means that my main concern is the ceremony in LA. that i will take care of.

anyhow, i was on the phone with martin until i got home. at which point, i felt a little bit better. i decided to do something i haven't done in hk for a long time, i went up to lan kwai fong, sat at a bar and ended up smoking and drinking. i spoke to jessica, another friend from the bucks, for about an hour. talked to keith, my old college roommate who's from hk, for a couple of minutes. he had finals this week so he was unavailable to meet up with me there. i tried calling carlin, but his phone went straight to voicemail.

i would have called other people, but then it was 4am in the morning in LA so i didn't want to wake anyone up. well, more accurately, i'm using another mobile so i didn't have anyone's number with me. after three pints of carlsberg, i left and went home for dinner. as with tradition, my mother didn't bring up what had happened earlier in the day. i didn't bring it up as well. i'm still in a pissy mood and i didn't want to talk about it. for me, the matter is closed. the only problem i have is with my sister.

so today has been a pretty fucked up day. i'm beginning to hate this city, hate being here, hate having to deal with all this crap. it's a wonder how i'm not even remotely close to being an alcoholic. the only bright spot today... i was feeling buzzed after leaving the bar and found a suede dvd at HMV. i bought it!

uncle on the bus

so for a brief (hopefully) moment in time, this is how the world views people from hong kong.



***WARNING*** THIS CONTAINS EXPLETIVES IN CANTONESE... YOU'VE BEEN PROPERLY WARNED.

can't really say i'm proud of this, but it's kinda funny... in a sad sorta way.

i can probably say that if some guy was talking to me that way, he would have gotten his ass kicked pretty badly. of course, i'm not the type of person who would tell someone to be quiet.

the only reason why i found out about this clip is that it's on the news here in hk, tv and radio. my sister was talking about this during dinner tonight when a friend emailed her the clips (there are tons of different versions). my brother-in-law was saying that this incident made it in some london newspaper. my mom was wondering about it as well.

i suspect that the uncle was probably dealing with the downward slide of the hong kong stock market the past week. but who knows. maybe he lost money playing mahjong earlier in the day.

a better place

my father was an incredible human being. from growing up a poor, country boy in china to being an american (senior) citizen. not many people can claim something like that. but my father could. he was always telling us, my sister and i, that we should make good use of this opportunity (of being educated in the US) because we did not have the condition to be in the united states. that's the word he used, condition. well the cantonese version of that word anyway. a better word would probably be qualifications.

similar to the way he lived, my father passed away early sunday morning (around 2am) at grantham hospital in hong kong with very little fanfare. he lasted as long as he did because he didn't want to leave his family behind. he had so much love for us that he was willing to endure days of pain just to be with us a little while longer. i guess he couldn't bear to see us suffer at the end, so he left us in the middle of the night.

he was a very principled man -- a trait that i haven't come close to mirroring in my almost thirty years of existence. my father and i are two very different individuals. as much as he tried to converge our personalities, or more precisely, get me to be like him, the further away i pushed. i've given up being what my father wanted me to be at a very early age, but somehow, he maintained an influence in many of my decisions. i don't know how much that disappointed him, but i think in the last couple of years, he was quite proud of the fact that i went to get my masters degree.

as a parent, he was definitely strict; most of my old friends can attest to that fact. he knew the importance of an education, but he only saw the significance of book learning. he didn't understand how extra curricular activities can help a person become successful later in life. the irony is that i decided to get my masters in education only to discover the the importance of outside-the-classroom learning.

certainly there were happier times. mostly in the pre-america era, circa 1983. i recalled the time i was recovering from a bout of childhood nephrotic syndrome, i would make my father take copious notes from a cooking show that would air when i wake up from my afternoon naps. and he would do it too. i would sit by his side and watch him write down all the ingredients and instructions of each particular dish.

speaking of the illness, i'm thankful that my father was such a strict individual because if it wasn't for him and his insistance that i kept my diet of bland food (no salt), i would have ended up with diabetes. my mom recalled how a kid in the bed next to me complained about the food so his mother made him some corn kernel soup. and yep, that kid later developed diabetes.

funny store from that, i ended up convalescing in a relative's brothel in kowloon. yep, one of my mother's aunt owned a brothel. come to think about it, i was touched by hookers.

i know he was pretty miserable the past four months because he's such a proud person and hated being dependent on the kindness of others. i'll spare you the details, but i kept thinking in my mind that if ever i get to the same stage in my life, i don't know if dying isn't such a good option. towards the end, he was basically moving from one hospital to another. i know he really missed hanging out at starbucks, walking around the ifc, and just getting round by himself.

so rest in peace, dad. i love you. and don't worry too much about me (even though i know that you will). i think i ended up alright.

i'm going to bring him back (he's getting cremated here in hk) and inter his ashes at rose hills cemetery. that's what he wanted, to go back to the states.

i've always love this poem by w. h. auden: two songs for heidli anderson

I.
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

II.
O the valley in the summer where I and my John
Beside the deep river would walk on and on
While the flowers at our feet and the birds up above
Argued so sweetly on reciprocal love,
And I leaned on his shoulder; 'O Johnny, let's play':
But he frowned like thunder and he went away.
O that Friday near Christmas as I well recall
When we went to the Charity Matinee Ball,
The floor was so smooth and the band was so loud
And Johnny so handsome I felt so proud;
'Squeeze me tighter, dear Johnny, let's dance till it's day':
But he frowned like thunder and he went away.

Shall I ever forget at the Grand Opera
When music poured out of each wonderful star?
Diamonds and pearls they hung dazzling down
Over each silver and golden silk gown;
'O John I'm in heaven,' I whispered to say:
But he frowned like thunder and he went away.

O but he was fair as a garden in flower,
As slender and tall as the great Eiffel Tower,
When the waltz throbbed out on the long promenade
O his eyes and his smile they went straight to my heart;
'O marry me, Johnny, I'll love and obey':
But he frowned like thunder and he went away.

O last night I dreamed of you, Johnny, my lover,
You'd the sun on one arm and the moon on the other,
The sea it was blue and the grass it was green,
Every star rattled a round tambourine;
Ten thousand miles deep in a pit there I lay:
But you frowned like thunder and you went away.

or this one by paul monette: no goodbyes

for hours at the end I kissed your temple stroked
your hair and sniffed it it smelled so clean we'd
washed it Saturday night when the fever broke
as if there was always the perfect thing to do
to be alive for years I'd breathe your hair
when I came to bed late it was such pure you
why I nuzzle your brush every morning because
you're in there just like the dog the night
we unpacked the hospital bag and he skipped
and whimpered when Dad put on the red
sweater Cover my bald spot will you
you'd say and tilt your head like a parrot
so I could fix you up always always
till this one night when I was reduced to
I love you little friend here I am my
sweetest pea over and over spending all our
endearments like stray coins at a border
but wouldn't cry then no choked it because
they all said hearing was the last to go
the ear is like a wolf's till the very end
straining to hear a whole forest and I
wanted you loping off whatever you could
still dream to the sound of me at 3 P.M.
you were stable still our favorite word
at 4 you took the turn WAIT WAIT I AM
THE SENTRY HERE nothing passes as long as
I'm where I am we go on death is
a lonely hole two can leap it or else
or else there is nothing this man is mine
he's an ancient Greek like me I do
all the negotiating while he does battle
we are war and peace in a single bed
we wear the same size shirt it can't it can't
be yet not this just let me brush his hair
it's only Tuesday there's chicken in the fridge
from Sunday night he ate he slept oh why
don't all these kisses rouse you I won't won't
say it all I will say is goodnight patting
a few last strands in place you're covered now
my darling one last graze in the meadow
of you and please let your final dream be
a man not quite your size losing the whole
world but still here combing combing
singing your secret names till the night's gone

i hate doing these things...

This is for your entire life, including today: have you ever...

(x) Smoked a cigarette
( ) Crashed a friend's car
( ) Stolen a car
(x) Been in love
(x) Been dumped
(x) Shoplifted
( ) Been fired
(x) Been in a fist fight
(x) Snuck out of your parent's house
(x) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
( ) Been arrested
(x) Gone on a blind date
(x) Lied to a friend
(x) Skipped school
( ) Seen someone die
( ) Been to Canada
(x) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
( ) Purposely set a part of yourself on fire
(x) Eaten sushi
( ) Been skiing
( ) Met someone from the Internet
(x) Been to a concert
(x) Taken painkillers
(x) Love someone or miss someone right now
( ) Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) Made a snow angel
( ) Had a tea party
(x) Flown a kite
( ) Built a sand castle
(x) Gone puddle jumping
( ) Played dress up
( ) Jumped into a pile of leaves
( ) Gone sledding
(x) Cheated while playing a game
(x) Been lonely
(x) Fallen asleep at work/school
( ) Used a fake ID
(x) Watched the sun set
(x) felt an earthquake
( ) Slept beneath the stars
(x) Been tickled
(x) Been robbed
(x) Been misunderstood
( ) Petted a reindeer/goat/kangaroo
( ) Won a contest
(x) Run a red light/stop sign
( ) Been suspended from school
(x) Been in a car crash
( ) Had braces
(x) Felt like an outcast/third person
( ) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) Had déjà vu
( ) Danced in the moonlight
(x) Witnessed a crime
(x) Questioned your heart
( ) Been obsessed with post-it notes
( ) Squished mud through your bare feet
(x) Been lost
(x) Been on the opposite side of the country
(x) Been on the opposite side of the world
(x) Swam in the ocean
(x) Felt like dying
(x) Cried yourself to sleep
( ) Played cops and robbers
( ) Recently colored with crayons
(x) Sang karaoke
( ) Paid for a meal with only coins
(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) Made prank phone calls
( ) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
( ) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
( ) Danced in the rain
( ) Written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) Been kissed under the mistletoe
( ) Watched the sun rise with someone you care about
(x) Blown bubbles
( ) Made a bonfire on the beach
(x) Crashed a party
(x) Gone roller-skating
(x) Had a wish come true
( ) jumped off a bridge

kinda retarted.

what a long day. basically, the usual stuff. went to kowloon for dinner tonight with my mum's relatives. had some shark fin soup, some peking duck, and some little dragon dumplings. delish. so tired that it wasn't really enjoyable. except, my uncles and aunt always make me laugh because they are so freaking funny.

when we were leaving the restaurant, my mum's uncle, who is a bit freaky, was carrying out a small folding table. when my uncle saw that, he was like, "hey, you let people take out your furniture? great, i'm going to take a chair." so he grabbed a chair and started walking towards the door. one of the waiter wasn't sure what to do, so he kinda followed him out. "ah... sir..." then my other uncle was like, "let's take the door too." it was pretty fucking hilarious. i guess you had to be there.



just to give you an idea, the above map is hong kong island. my folks live to the left of sheung wan, which is the district on the northwestern part of the map. the hospital where my father is staying at currently is near aberdeen, which is on the other side of the island (southwest), directly above the little ap lei chou island. the commute isn't too bad, but it's just a long, long day.

feel free to check out the weather forecast for the next several days. i didn't even bring a coat.

drained

people, places, things i'm missing in no particular order (except for the first item):

1. deidra, my love - "okay, i'll do it later... damn woman!"
2. my friends - "sorry, i can't make it."
3. hanging outside of the bucks - "hey vedat, 3 o'clock"
4. the starbucks crew (they are my friends, but i think it's best to differentiate) - "shalom, shalom"
5. coffee - "venti drip, no room"
6. driving - "fucking asian bitch... learn how to drive already"
7. eating american food - dim summing every morning is hard, phoenix, anyone?
8. poker - "i raise... all in, bitches!"
9. working - "good morning, financial aid" and "okay, ruth, there's a really good reason why i'm late..."
10. playing baseball on the xbox - "and the angels are up by 19..."
11. king taco - "one combination burrito. carne asada. no beans. no onions and cilantro. hot sauce to the side. two carne asada tacos, hot sauce to the side. and one carne asada sope."
12. hanging out and talking with martin til 1:30am at the bucks - *silence* "dude, NO way!!! hey francis, check this out."
13. walking jess to her car and end up chatting with her for about 30 minutes - "well when i was working... you know several years ago."

things i not missing in no particular order:

1. my sister being anal - "no, you CAN'T touch the baby because you've got dirty hands"
2. allergies - *sneeze*
3. dry hands - "where's the lotion?"
4. housework - though i'm doing more stuff now then in the US.

things i'm on the fence about...

1. grad school - "someone shoot me now..."
2. la traffic - " fucking bitch!"

that's pretty much all i can think of right now. maybe when i think of something else, i'll add on to it.

ever since arriving in hk, i've been through an emotional and mental roller-coaster. not to mention, how physically draining this ordeal has been. i've practically been at the hospital with my mum visiting and helping my father from about 10am to 8:00pm everyday.

honestly, i don't know rather to laugh or to cry about this... but seeing my father's emaciated body in the nude, it's a little weird right? i mean, fuck it's sucks, but damn, it's weird. especially, since we're always been one of those non-touchy-feely type of families. so to actually bathe my father, is... well totally rewarding in a I'm-actually-not-completely-worthless sort of way, but definitely a bit disconcerting.

i guess i wasn't entirely prepared for what i saw on thursday morning. when i first saw him, i couldn't even recognize his face. it's unbelieveable. just skin on bones. think jews-in-concentration-camp skinny and that's what my father looks like now. i was back here in march and he looked fine. now he's just... well, someone so different. the meds he's taking cause him to have this vacant, empty look in his eyes. i think that's just the saddest part. he prides himself on thinking, on using his mind. now, he's just glazing out into the distance. i kinda wish i knew what he was thinking.

he has problems speaking and any movement is laboured. it's tough. i don't think anyone who hasn't been through it can appreciate it. it's tough watching someone waste away like this. everytime i say goodbye, it reminds me of that scene from philadelphia, where tom hanks' character's family says goodbye to him at the hospital only to have him pass away later that night. so i made sure to give him several kisses and whisper (cuz he's sleeping), "get some rest and we'll see you in the morning dad."

i haven't brought myself out to tell him i love him. like i said, we're not a touchy-feely family. so it's tough. but i hope through my actions, he knows that i love him.

engine driver

any way to procrastinate says i. the last couple of weeks have been pretty killer with my research paper, seminar website, and counseling video all do a week apart. i finished the paper last wednesday which was really the only stressful assignment out of the three. i pulled an all-nighter outside of starbucks, which thinking about it now, wasn't too bad. a little chilly, but certainly interesting seeing what goes on between 11pm to 5am. i've just finished my counseling video today. that was a bitch because i waited until the last minute to finish it up. gotta thank my friend, robert, for all the help this pass few weeks. without him, i would have been totally fucked... and not in a good way either.

now, i'm working on my seminar website, but i've lost all motivation to do so. i have three more sections to write up and i think i'm just about ready to close up shop. *sigh* i'm mentally weary and honestly, how much can one person bullshit anyway?

i'm currently listening to this band called, the decemberists. i'm not sure if it's because pop music is sucking like it has been for the past decade or if they are really that good. issues.

here's the lyrics to my favorite song from them so far, "the engine driver."

I'm an engine driver
On a long run, on a long run
Would I work beside her
She's a long one, such a long one

And if you don't love me let me go
And if you don't love me let me go

I'm a country lineman
On a high line, on a high line
So will be my grandson
There are powerlines in our bloodlines

And if you don't love me let me go
And if you don't love me let me go

And I am a writer, writer of fictions
I am the heart that you call home
And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones
My bones
My bones

I'm a money lender
I have fortunes upon fortunes
Take my hand for tender
I am tortured, ever tortured

And if you don't love me let me go
And if you don't love me let me go

And I am a writer, writer of fictions
I am the heart that you call home
And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones
I am a writer, I am all that you have home
Home
And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones
My bones
My bones

(And if you don't love me let me go)
And if you don't love me let me go
(And if you don't love me let me go)
And if you don't love me let me go

another great song i'm listening to is "til i hear from you" by the gin blossom. that song reminds of my college years and how i was a total loser when it came to women. not saying that i've gotten better, but hey, i'm married ain't i?

oh, and "the drugs don't work" by the verve is another good song especially driving home from starbucks at night. i don't know what it's about really, but it definitely reminds me of dad.

All this talk of getting old
It's getting me down my love
Like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown
This time I'm coming down

And I hope you're thinking of me
As you lay down on your side
Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see you face again

Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see you face again.

But I know I'm on a losing streak
'Cause I passed down my old street
And if you wanna show, then just let me know
And I'll sing in your ear again

Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again

'Cause baby, ooh, if heaven calls, I'm coming, too
Just like you said, you leave my life, I'm better off dead

All this talk of getting old
It's getting me down my love
Like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown
This time I'm coming down

Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again

'Cause baby, ooh, if heaven calls, I'm coming, too
Just like you said, you leave my life, I'm better off dead

But if you wanna show, just let me know
And I'll sing in your ears again

Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again

Yeah, I know I'll see your face again
Yeah, I know I'll see your face again
Yeah, I know I'll see your face again
Yeah, I know I'll see your face again

I'm never going down, I'm never coming down
No more, no more, no more, no more, no more
I'm never coming down, I'm never going down
No more, no more, no more, no more, no more (repeat to fade)

so there, i've procrastinated even further... motivation is a deadly incentive.