drained

people, places, things i'm missing in no particular order (except for the first item):

1. deidra, my love - "okay, i'll do it later... damn woman!"
2. my friends - "sorry, i can't make it."
3. hanging outside of the bucks - "hey vedat, 3 o'clock"
4. the starbucks crew (they are my friends, but i think it's best to differentiate) - "shalom, shalom"
5. coffee - "venti drip, no room"
6. driving - "fucking asian bitch... learn how to drive already"
7. eating american food - dim summing every morning is hard, phoenix, anyone?
8. poker - "i raise... all in, bitches!"
9. working - "good morning, financial aid" and "okay, ruth, there's a really good reason why i'm late..."
10. playing baseball on the xbox - "and the angels are up by 19..."
11. king taco - "one combination burrito. carne asada. no beans. no onions and cilantro. hot sauce to the side. two carne asada tacos, hot sauce to the side. and one carne asada sope."
12. hanging out and talking with martin til 1:30am at the bucks - *silence* "dude, NO way!!! hey francis, check this out."
13. walking jess to her car and end up chatting with her for about 30 minutes - "well when i was working... you know several years ago."

things i not missing in no particular order:

1. my sister being anal - "no, you CAN'T touch the baby because you've got dirty hands"
2. allergies - *sneeze*
3. dry hands - "where's the lotion?"
4. housework - though i'm doing more stuff now then in the US.

things i'm on the fence about...

1. grad school - "someone shoot me now..."
2. la traffic - " fucking bitch!"

that's pretty much all i can think of right now. maybe when i think of something else, i'll add on to it.

ever since arriving in hk, i've been through an emotional and mental roller-coaster. not to mention, how physically draining this ordeal has been. i've practically been at the hospital with my mum visiting and helping my father from about 10am to 8:00pm everyday.

honestly, i don't know rather to laugh or to cry about this... but seeing my father's emaciated body in the nude, it's a little weird right? i mean, fuck it's sucks, but damn, it's weird. especially, since we're always been one of those non-touchy-feely type of families. so to actually bathe my father, is... well totally rewarding in a I'm-actually-not-completely-worthless sort of way, but definitely a bit disconcerting.

i guess i wasn't entirely prepared for what i saw on thursday morning. when i first saw him, i couldn't even recognize his face. it's unbelieveable. just skin on bones. think jews-in-concentration-camp skinny and that's what my father looks like now. i was back here in march and he looked fine. now he's just... well, someone so different. the meds he's taking cause him to have this vacant, empty look in his eyes. i think that's just the saddest part. he prides himself on thinking, on using his mind. now, he's just glazing out into the distance. i kinda wish i knew what he was thinking.

he has problems speaking and any movement is laboured. it's tough. i don't think anyone who hasn't been through it can appreciate it. it's tough watching someone waste away like this. everytime i say goodbye, it reminds me of that scene from philadelphia, where tom hanks' character's family says goodbye to him at the hospital only to have him pass away later that night. so i made sure to give him several kisses and whisper (cuz he's sleeping), "get some rest and we'll see you in the morning dad."

i haven't brought myself out to tell him i love him. like i said, we're not a touchy-feely family. so it's tough. but i hope through my actions, he knows that i love him.